I am butted up against my own frailty in that I may have “many plans in my heart” but find my own weaknesses and inadequacies make it exceedingly difficult to follow through with many/any of them. Although beginning this blog was in part to be able to use this format as a type of “outlet” for some of the baggage being lugged along this life’s journey it turns out that there are many times that even contemplating the process of writing things down, and exploring the myriad miasmas that manage to cloud my mental/emotional/spiritual horizons can many times be so overwhelming that it’s nearly impossible to begin forming any type of coherent thought, let alone attempting to write it down.
One thing that is a comfort during these times of stagnant paralysis is to recall that the Lord knows that we are “dust” and that He understands All of our weaknesses. Sometimes “abiding in Him” also means remaining with the pain and uncertainty and inability to move oneself along.
It’s hard to accept being in this place for however long a season (lifespan!) and at times I chastise myself with the meaning of my name, Valerie: “strong of body and mind, persistent, will succeed”. Thinking I was formed/named to be such and finding myself incapable, in my own strength, of living up to such inherent expectations.
Forgiving oneself for inadequacies and weaknesses and learning to live with ambiguity and ongoing unfinished business, unresolved baggage, is a lifelong lesson that I have never fully mastered–does that mean it will continue until I can find some place of resolution?