Tag Archive | anger

Reason vs Emotion

There is an amazing article at AmericanThinker.com that is well worth the read!

“Picture two cliffs separated by a great chasm. The cliffs are made of sedimentary rock, layer upon layer, each a slightly different shade. On one side the stone deposits have built up on bedrock, solid and immovable – absolute truth. On the opposite bank the levels are less regular and horizontal. The foundation on which they rest their considerable weight is cracked and volcanic, full of air bubbles, nearly weightless – relative truth.”

Read more: http://www.americanthinker.com/articles/2017/06/cliff_hanging_and_earthquakes_.html#ixzz4k7tw309e
Follow us: @AmericanThinker on Twitter | AmericanThinker on Facebook

http://www.americanthinker.com/articles/2017/06/cliff_hanging_and_earthquakes_.html

The author uses the cliff analogy to clearly articulate differences between foundational morality based on biblical truth and scientific analysis and the concept of being blown about by the winds of the moment, a form of relative “truth” that is really no truth at all.

Image result for build house on rock scripture

from Bing.com image search for “build house on rock scripture”

I’ve spoken in recent days to both my husband and my special son about how God has blessed us with rational minds and has stated in several places in scripture the importance of using our minds, “taking our thoughts into captivity, into the obedience and knowledge of Christ”.  Also, to my knowledge, there is no place within scripture where we are told to Follow our emotions.  What a blessing, since emotions are so fleeting and malleable they represent a dangerous place from which to base one’s views of oneself, the world around us, issues of the day, or even to define our human (as well as spiritual) relationships.

Image result for mind scripture

from a Bing.com image search for “mind scripture”

Scripture is replete with examples of the heart crying out in pain, frustration, and confusion to God about myriad issues and injustices.  Examine Psalms, Lamentations, Ecclesiastes, and even Proverbs to see many passages where human emotions are on full display.  However none of these passages admonish us to use those emotions to define our biblical worldview.

Image result for mind scripture

from a Bing.com search for “mind scripture”

Two scriptures related to the nature of emotions and their “proper” use come easily to my mind, both copied below from BibleGateway.com:

Ephesians 4:26 New International Version (NIV)

26 “In your anger do not sin”[a]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,

Footnotes:

  1. Ephesians 4:26 Psalm 4:4 (see Septuagint)
New International Version (NIV)Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

 

Ephesians 4:14-16 New International Version (NIV)

14 Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves,and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. 15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. 16 From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

New International Version (NIV)Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

The first passage acknowledges that we will experience anger and that it is vital to not sin in/with that anger.  It also says to resolve that anger quickly, that very day.  Obviously this is much easier to say than to do…and all my “baggage” related to the Special Ed Case reveals that many suns have gone down and my “wrath” is still lurking about…

The second passage is emphasizing “Speaking the Truth in Love” (but the context is included because it really illuminates what the AT article articulates).  This Speaking the Truth is such an amazing shorthand for how we are to live the life of faith…we are to speak Truth and we are to speak In Love.  Those seem to be contradictory actions, but through the power of the indwelling Holy Spirit the Lord can enable us to find that balance point of both Truth and Love in our interactions with others…

Image result for mind scripture

from a Bing.com image search for “mind scripture”

As far as being rational vs being emotional, here’s another couple of Bible verses that reveal the importance of this perspective, also from BibleGateway.com:

2 Timothy 1:7 King James Version (KJV)

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

 

2 Corinthians 10:4-5 New International Version (NIV)

The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

New International Version (NIV)Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

 

Luke 10:27 New International Version (NIV)

27 He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’[a]; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b]

Footnotes:

  1. Luke 10:27 Deut. 6:5
  2. Luke 10:27 Lev. 19:18
New International Version (NIV)Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

I guess that’s enough for now…but please consider checking out the AmericanThinker.com website for yourself to be inspired and encouraged…

Blessings,

Valerie

Image result for mind scripture

from a Bing.com image search for “mind scripture”

PS If you are not familiar with scripture I encourage you to look up pertinent words on your image search engine of choice.  I personally love seeing the beauty & truth of scripture displayed artistically and it can be such a blessing.  There are many such images that are also posted at Pinterest.com.  BibleGateway.com is a free seachable Bible repository with virtually all English translations of scripture and many other languages available as well.  A small amount of effort in these easily accessible online arenas can help you reap big rewards and hopefully encourage your heart as well.  Blessings, V

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Righteous Anger

I just read an inspiring article at American Thinker.com, here:

http://www.americanthinker.com/articles/2016/02/why_rightwing_pundits_assail_the_righteous_anger_of_patriots.html

“Anger is among the first emotions in life.  A newborn baby, eyes still swollen and shut, asserts: I exist, I feel, if you hurt me (or not), you’ll hear my anger.  Anger provides vital energy for protection and survival.  It is the emotional state induced by the life-sustaining impulse to protect, to defend against or attack a perceived threat.  Healthy anger is hardwired into the nervous system as a reaction to pain and suffering.  Righteous anger is the highest form of healthy anger.  It is the beneficial force for good that forms in the self-respecting hearts of principled people who have been lied to and who are suffering because of it.  Righteous anger forms under conditions of oppression when moral, legal, or personal contracts are broken.  It is the force that impels, sustains, and advances political freedom.  In the fullness of time, it is the righteousness of anger that determines if it is creative or destructive.”

While this article is primarily dealing with anger as a motivator to action in the political arena…I am taking solace in the more personal applicability of using anger in a healthy response to injustice and abuse…at least in trying to find an avenue to channel the (understandable, at least to me) fury that still seethes just beneath the surface following the brutality and ineffectiveness of our recent foray into protecting our disabled son’s rights via a Special Education Due Process Hearing Request…

Josiah is by nature a warrior at heart.  He is a True Survivor and has Overcome many battles both medically and interpersonally.  Sometimes his passion can exceed his common sense and it is at those times of increased intensity that I often encourage him to do the bulk of his warfare on his knees.  His prayers are truly effective and focusing his effort on the spiritual battle is the way that we are most likely to see the walls come down.

In recent days when both my son and I have been so upset, and even enraged, by what has (or has not) happened in the legal arena it has been necessary to remind us both of what scripture says about anger.

Ephesians 4:26-27 New International Version (NIV)

26 “In your anger do not sin”[a]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.

Footnotes:

  1. Ephesians 4:26 Psalm 4:4 (see Septuagint)
New International Version (NIV)Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

The above quote is from here:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians+4:25-27&version=NIV

In my conversations with my son I’ve been referring to the scriptural principle without actually looking up the passage in context.  I’ve been focusing on the “be angry and sin not” version from the King James of my childhood, and did not realize the passage was followed closely by the “don’t let the sun go down on your wrath” passage.  That had always seemed a good practice in relationships, to not go to bed angry (especially with people you live with), but clearly the scripture provides no such relational limitation.

This is going to require me to rethink my approach to action going forward, in relation to the “special education case” that remains entirely unresolved currently.  I’ve been so upset with the trajectory of what happened that I haven’t yet been able to formulate a comprehensive course of action for moving forward toward some degree of resolution.  Also the intensity of the anger and disappointment has been such that calling or writing or meeting with people to discuss and strategize over this situation has needed to remain on the back burner for a while.  Now it appears, based on this scripture, that allowing the anger to unaddressed/unresolved could create a danger point in one’s soul.

Focusing on the injustice can seem an easy formula for getting caught up in bitterness in addition to disappointment and deep soulful hurts.  This is a hard place to be.  Moving forward in some type of action that can at least theoretically be effective for something as complex as our “case” is no simple straightforward task.  It requires reasoned regrouping and potentially some degree of research for other avenues of action.  As such it is unlikely to be something achieved before the sun goes down.  Can it be possible to retain the motivation that the extreme energy of anger provides without getting ensnared in the “devil’s foothold” of sustained rage?  How would God want us to address this?

These are matters that for me personally will require some prayer and contemplation.  If proceeding on a course of action, acting in “righteous anger”, it would seem counter productive to do so in a manner that manifestly violates scriptural teachings–especially if one espouses a Biblical Worldview, as I try to do, albeit imperfectly!

Perhaps there can be room for some degree of regrouping, such as happened with the prophet of old.  Following a tremendous victory he ran off and hid in fear and was so unable to care for his own needs that the Lord sent ministering angels to him for a period of time before he was sufficiently rested and refreshed to be able to continue on his way.

1 Kings 19: 3-9 New International Version (NIV)

Elijah was afraid[a] and ran for his life. When he came to Beersheba in Judah, he left his servant there, while he himself went a day’s journey into the wilderness. He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.” Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep.

All at once an angel touched him and said, “Get up and eat.” He looked around, and there by his head was some bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again.

The angel of the Lord came back a second time and touched him and said, “Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.” So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God.There he went into a cave and spent the night.

Footnotes:

  1. 1 Kings 19:3 Or Elijah saw
New International Version (NIV)Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

The above passage is from this site:

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Kings+19&version=NIV

 

Although this depiction seems more in keeping with being overcome by depression and anxiety it could indirectly apply to anger, I guess, in that I’ve read descriptions of depression as “anger turned inward”.  God knows how we are made/wired and certainly understands our weaknesses.  If He has given us a standard to live by then He will also give us the ability to live by it, even if it is only by strength that comes through Him.

One part of the above passage that is a great comfort to me is that God acknowledged, via his angel, that “the journey is too much for you” and He directly supplied what was needed to enable Elijah to then be prepared to undertake that significant journey ahead.  Although the passage may be somewhat ambiguous it is at least possible that this divinely provided physical sustenance is what enabled him to travel 40 days & 40 nights, as in possibly without any other food during that time.  Regardless, God Himself, via his angel, provided just what Elijah needed in order to continue on his important journey.  Won’t He do no less for us if we truly seek Him?

Lord, please give us wisdom as to how to proceed with the issues surrounding our “case”. May our words and actions be pleasing to you and in accordance with your will.  Would you please make a way, where there seems to be no way, that we may see Josiah’s needs met and our many issues and concerns addressed.  Please lead us to the right people, information, scriptures, organizations, and actions to have these complex situations sorted out in a manner that Glorifies You and is also for Josiah’s (and our family’s) greatest good.  I ask these things in the Mighty, Matchless, & Glorious Name of Your Son, Jesus Christ.  Amen

Anatomy of a Medicaid Physical

Today I had to take my son, Josiah, to a doctor’s appointment to have a Medicaid mandated yearly physical.  Here are some of the myriad aspects of addressing my son’s needs…

Triggering the negative memory of why this physical was originally rescheduled to accommodate the schedule of a Special Education Attorney that were needing to see about our recently filed “Due Process Hearing Request”–that “case” having now been “dismissed” in a manner as to provide no resolution of significant issues and seemingly no recourse for any type of a redress of grievances…

Looking again for paperwork associated with accessing Special Olympics and a local ARC Chapter as a way to potentially support my son’s desire for athletic participation.

Speaking with someone at the doctor’s office prior to the appointment to see if we could get the necessary forms printed off there as our printer is basically inaccessible…fortunately this was something the nurse could do once we were there.

Gathering necessary materials from several locations in case any of those particular items needed to be referred to during our visit.

Since Josiah didn’t bring something to keep him occupied during our waiting room time offering him the “Autism Speaks Family Services Transition Tool Kit” (this was a resource that I had laid aside some months back when in the immediate intensity of preparing our “Due Process Hearing Request” & it represents another load of guilt I carry for not having satisfactorily nor sufficiently made transition efforts)…as he flipped randomly through this item he became increasingly verbally and physically distressed, especially when he encountered “sexuality” in it’s pages and would only spell the word s-e-x and expressed his upsetedness that this was even a topic within the book.  I kept trying to reassure him that it was a part of life so it was reasonable to have to discuss this area at some time.

Discussing various aspects of Josiah’s recent medical needs and medications.  Since we were seeing a provider that wasn’t usually on Josiah’s case she was not personally very familiar with our unique situation.  This meant expounding on issues that are theoretically in “the past”, but still retain power to impact, distract, and detract from present tense realities.  This meant a more thorough discussion of his Brain Tumor scenario as well as touching on the Liver Transplant and part of what lead up to it…Also there was a side jaunt into the Cardiac need for “Aspirin Therapy” but that we were pending this until getting concurrence from Liver Transplant.  Having made email requests and having the Cardiologist send an in-house request for this Ok in addition to requesting the Transplant Pharmacy (from whom we receive the bulk of J’s meds delivered on a monthly basis) to use it’s medication management techniques has gotten no apparent results.  This either will await the 6 month Transplant visit in May or next month’s post bloodwork nurse’s call to see if we can get that med started to prevent blood clots in his heart–sigh…

We also briefly touched on the CPAP issue, how he has yet to get back into compliance with his sleep apnea breathing machine.  He first got out of compliance when the machine broke and after the “repair” a part went missing (not sure if at home or at the repair shop) and it was then un-usable for a period of time.  We got the replacement part donated and another newer machine but he was only beginning to reorient himself to its usage when he had the Brain Tumor removed through his nose and he wasn’t even Allowed to use the CPAP for six plus months.  Given he was then on the Transplant list and I was pretty much a basket case I surely dropped the ball in this arena (how much you have to prompt someone to do certain things when they are on the Spectrum and have gotten out of a particular functional routine)…Anyway he has since moved his bed from the platform to the floor below and disassembled his CPAP machine for a recent Sleep Doctor visit and Med Equip run (for new mask, hose, & filter supplies)…so he has not gotten back into the routine and when I remember to remind him about using CPAP it’s when he’s preparing for bed and too tired to deal with it…of course I forget to prompt about this when we’re both awake–sigh…

His most recent surgery having been the one to “correct” congenital double vision (V -pattern esotropia?) meant going into details of how that condition was discovered back when getting the Neurological Ophthalmologist’s input on the safety of surgically removing the Pituitary Tumor as it was basically pressed up against Josiah’s Optic Nerve.  Apparently that doctor diagnosed the congenital double vision back then in 2010 but since I was overwhelmed with the presence of both the Brain Tumor and the Liver Masses (and the intensity of which situation was More Life Threatening and pre-eminent) I didn’t actually “hear” that diagnosis (it’s also possible that layman’s terms weren’t used so I didn’t actually “comprehend” the significance of “V pattern esotropia” and the result was that Josiah suffered with Double Vision for an additional Five Years before surgical correction this past summer.

This also meant discussing the extent of the “correction” which our two post-op visits had indicated was 100% successful but a recent OT eval for “Vision Therapy” seemed to indicate that double vision persisted, at least at longer distances…and also that Josiah apparently has 20/40 &20/50 vision in his eyes.  [I’m guessing this means we should be looking into some type of correction but who/where I don’t know.]

This also meant discussing “Vision Therapy” and how the only reason I even got a referral from the Neurological Ophthalmologist for a therapy he considers “controversial” is because I asked if we could at least see if it could be effective for Josiah in particular.  The University-based OT we were referred to does Not do such therapy, but did some type of evaluation to see if Josiah might be a candidate…it appears that he might be.  Today’s doctor said that Josiah’s Primary Care Physician there “is a great believer in Vision Therapy” but apparently most insurances don’t cover it and it can cost upwards of $3,000, which would basically mean no access to this, unfortunately.  She said one clinic family had managed to get Medicaid to cover this treatment and she would look into what they did and pass the info along.  I speculated that due to the surgical “correction” of his congenital (birth defect) double vision perhaps coding for visual therapy could be used for another diagnosis apart from Autism so that he could receive this seemingly important and necessary intervention…we’ll see…

When she asked about how things were currently going this lead to an intense and convoluted and rather disjointed retelling of some aspects of our recent special education battles.  Josiah & I both shared multiple perspectives and just discussing this situation at any length (as well as not discussing it and keeping it bottled up) is incredibly exhausting.

Apparently the way this, and other topics, were addressed led this doctor to conclude “I had no idea you were this alone” and she kept trying to reassure me when I expressed a number of arenas of self-criticism for not doing a better job in seeing Josiah’s needs met; particularly those issues related to Transition and Special Education.  She was quite empathetic regarding the magnitude of the issues we have faced and sought to reassure me that being only one person meant that I could only do so much.  Speaking obliquely of my responsibilities to the other four family members reminded me of how short I have fallen as a wife and mother over so many years when I’ve placed such emphasis on attempting to address Josiah’s needs.  Certain conversations at home later helped to increase this load in part and alleviate it in part, especially when the emphasis was on trusting the Lord to be the one to carry and  be responsible for addressing Josiah’s needs…

Observing the physical examination lead to overhearing the aside diagnosis of “mild scoliosis”, something I’d never heard before in relation to Josiah.  The Doctor indicated a stiffness in his shoulders and a tilting and I mentioned his history of Torticolis and wondered if what she was observing was related to that.

Josiah blurted out his frustrations, on my behalf, about historical verbiage by a Michigan Protection and Advocacy “advocate” who had “helped” us about a decade ago when we had also filed our only other “due process hearing request” against our local public school (the only significant gain from which was a Para Pro provided roughly SEVEN YEARS after the doctor–legally mandated IEP Team Member–had recommended, in writing, that such a one on one support be provided to Josiah so he could remain in general ed; I obviously have No Unresolved Issues here!)…anyway this led to me quoting the above “advocate” in her phone response to my then attempt to lay out the magnitude of the issues we faced getting our son’s needs met via the school.  “I think you are a delusional mother who refuses to accept that you have a mentally retarded child!”  Josiah is still angry about this and the Doctor was seemingly shocked that we received such treatment from an organization who exists to protect and defend the rights of the disabled…whatever (they didn’t really help us this “case” round either, but that’s another story)…

The doctor mentioned another family facing similar challenges where the father has become a tireless advocate on his son’s behalf.  She said “he’s like you only times a thousand”.  He has been aggressively advocating on his son’s behalf, even to the point of picketing in front of schools in an attempt to get needs met.  She may put us in touch with each other since our sons are similar ages and facing similar Transition needs.

She mentioned that this father “only” dealt with Autism with his son, not the complex health related Scenarios we face with Josiah.  This led to me expounding on how Autism has really become for our family the overarching issue impacting us daily in relation to Josiah.  Apart from times of extreme medical stress, like waiting for a transplant, or the ubiquitous pain, frustration, anger, and disappointment of dealing with Special Education and Not getting his legitimate needs met the Autism side of life was our main “stressor” and should not, in my opinion, be spoken of in any minimizing way…

In a side highlight, we briefly touched on the issues of vaccines based on questions on the Special Olympics form.  Josiah is currently out of compliance with some vaccines and this was in part due to Liver Transplant recommendations.  We had Josiah receive All the vaccines recommended by the LT Nurse prior to Transplant (and his siblings get the ones LT recommended they receive to put their brother at less risk post-Transplant).  This was after years of me declining most/all vaccines for all our kids because of Josiah’s Autism (and in part because of a book that speculated that ADHD and Autism were in fact on a continuum)…anyway I ended up expounding on the frustrations of being pressured by the other kids’ doctors to vaccinate them even when I referenced a study I’d heard of (but not read) that purported to show the difference in autism between Amish and general populations.  This doctor said that she and J’s PCP are strong believers in an association with Autism and Vaccines.  I said I didn’t think that vaccines Caused Austism, per se, but more that people that are prone toward Autism are perhaps more neurologically fragile and that giving so many toxins so young and so soon to children likely increased their likelihood of neurological disorders like Autism.  The doctor didn’t dispute this layperson analysis, but went on to add that she thought overuse of antibiotics may also be a contributing factor…hmm…

As an aside, I mentioned that Josiah had NEVER Received ANY of the intensive Early Childhood Autism interventions.  This I believe was in part due to the magnitude of the medical issues being addressed then but in greater part due to the Special Education system NOT addressing his needs.  I believe I may have also mentioned my exploration of the topic of “disability discrimination” that I believe has directly plagued us in our local school district since at least 2001…but I may be mixing that us with a later discussion at home.  I told the doctor that I had recently downloaded a scientifically based research analysis study that purports to assess a number of autism approaches and their effectiveness with teens and young adults.  As this study is nearly 200 pages long I have not yet reviewed it.  Here is another arena where I would greatly appreciate the input from the Primary Care Doctor, and she sounded like she’d run some of these issues by her.  It would be great to get some real-world insight on this topic from one of only 3 Michigan clinics authorized to do the Autism Waiver work mandated under certain insurances now.  Hopefully this conversation will Actually take place and the results get back to me…

This was also mentioned in that since it appears that our “legal case” is stalled out and little, if any, help will be coming (at least not any time soon)…it now is becoming that much more imperative for me to find some way to cobble together Real and Meaningful Transition Services and Supports to Finally Attempt to meet my son’s myriad needs.  Since “special education” is seemingly out of the picture at least this process need Not be limited by what is mandated/allowed by IDEA (Individuals with Disabilities Education Act).  I’m trying to look at that “freedom” as a degree of blessing even as I “officially” take over the role of Josiah’s “Transition Coordinator” (which I’ve basically been attempting to do anyways), a role legally mandated of special ed but NEVER Done!

She also planned to have one of their Social Workers, I’m not sure which one, look into further Transition Resources for us.  They are also to send us material regarding current offerings for Adaptive Sports.  I tried to get a business card and email address for this particular social worker upon checkout but was unsuccessful here…

I mentioned how the complexity of Josiah’s needs over the years has made it very difficult where to focus my efforts.  Her colleague, Josiah’s Primary Care Physician, has been an invaluable resource whose advice I make a consistent effort to put into practice.  With her “umbrella style” care in Josiah’s case (she gets virtually all specialty reports and processes and discusses them with us periodically) and her more “Big Picture” perspective, as opposed to my more “lost in the minutae” (no fake!) approach, can really assist in gaining a measure of clarity in numerous areas.  I so value how much this particular medical clinic has come close to providing a degree of “medical home” style service to us over the years!

Josiah also stated that I verbally took out my anger about the “case” on one of my older son’s friends.  This meant clarifying that I was speaking passionately answering questions he had asked.  As an aside, that young man is in college and is likely to pursue a Law Degree and eventually inherit his mother’s Law Practice.  He had taken a copy of our 12-4-15 “Due Process Hearing Request” copied and read it (and provided constructive feedback) and given copies to his attorney mother and one of his professors who teaches pre-law classes and is also an attorney.  We had given him permission to spread this info around thusly in hopes that some help would Eventually be forthcoming…

Josiah got pretty revved up expounding on our plans to write some letters to various people that we hope may have an impact on the special education situation and disability discrimination.  He and I are both planning to write to our local Michigan State Representative.  Josiah was in a class with this man’s son a number of years in elementary school and has learned to communicate with him even though he cannot speak–he has Fragile X Syndrome.  Both J and the son “graduated” this past Spring, though I believe that the son didn’t get a “diploma”, but likely a “Certificate of Completion”.  Writing to this man could be a crap-shoot, at least from my perspective.  Josiah is apparently much further along than his own son (who likely continues to receive some type of special education supports and hopefully some degree of transition services).  He may perceive our efforts to finally secure meaningful, appropriate, and legally compliant long-overdue education services in a negative manner given what he’s experienced with his son.  However, he could end up being a tireless advocate and a voice to represent Exactly What We Need because he, to at least some degree, has learned that hard fought language I also reluctantly but necessarily have been forced to speak.  Other people I am contemplating writing are the Secretary of Education, federal and state; the Governor; the local School Board; our County Level Educational Authority; certain disability organizations; and whomever else a letter writing Advocate in our State (whom I hope to consult/collaborate with) may suggest…

I completely forgot to ask her what she saw in his ears since he’s had a history of persistent fluid buildup and Otitis Media…also didn’t ask if the eardrum was retracted on either ear.  He has had a problem with negative pressure in one/both ears since no longer having Myringotomy Tubes surgically implanted and this can mean in the long run Permanent Hearing Loss as persistent negative pressure can lead to his inner ear bones rubbing together and wearing out to some degree.  This issue may be a lingering effect of his presumed Eustachian Tube Dysfunction…

Me being without many supports to process/discuss so much of what’s gone on, or is currently going on with Josiah, led to me recounting briefly how finding a support group has been difficult.  I used to “lurk” in “Moms Online” and read, in particular, various forums focused on their kid’s diagnostic categories.  I told this doctor that I’d go to various message boards like “Congenital Heart Defects”, “ADHD”, “Autism”, “Urogenital Defects”, “Prematurity”, etc and that I don’t think I ever found another poster dealing with even three of the things that were heavily impacting us at that time…it’s so hard to find Anyone who knows this language in which I’ve been unwillingly forced to become so fluent (medical-major & minor; behavioral; therapeutic; “educational”; legal; interpersonal; advocacy; psychosocial; complex family dynamics & diagnoses, etc.)…this can make addressing the magnitude of issues and factors associated with the care of a complex child so much more daunting and isolating….

Filling out the family portion of the Special Olympics physical form requires a brief jaunt down painful memory lane (though not quite as brutal as a pre-operative questionnaire; it’s difficult to have to give significant details on virtually every body/mind system).  For the “Major Surgeries” I was able to pull from his 17 surgeries “2 Open Heart, Brain Tumor, Liver Transplant, Eye, and Ears, etc.”  (Oops I forgot to list hernia repairs, 3 stages of urogenital repair, & tonsillectomy, but afterall do I even know what constitutes “major surgery” anymore?)

The Doctor asked about our Respite Care services and the hours we were supposed to receive.  This lead to discussing how he’s has Community Living Services listed in his Community Mental Health case for years but is not getting them fully.  We’ve asked for another staff person in addition to the young man who works with Josiah on both Respite and CLS.  This lead to discussing how “Supports Coordination” via CMH has broken down at key points, like when we were trying to establish “Power of Attorney” or how Josiah has now been without needed PT, OT, and Speech Therapy for a year.  The Doctor mentioned their in-house social worker who handles “transition issues” and I said how I’d used her recommendations with CMH in that they can verify with our primary insurance whether they will or will not cover the above therapies…if not then they can immediately begin billing Medicaid…this has been going on for about 6 months with me reminding CMH staff verbally and in writing…so far to no avail…

Answering “Please indicate intellectual disability, diagnosis if known (condition or cause)” meant discussing more of the nitty gritty of what exactly Josiah’s challenges may be in this arena.  I’ve been told that his “developmental disability” diagnosis is “PDD-NOS” or “Atypical Autism” and wondered if this would apply.  She said they were referring to “cognitive or intellectual impairments” and Josiah didn’t have one (though his paperwork has said otherwise, depending on the source)…we are really dealing with various aspects of “neurological impairments” and so it’s unclear, at times, how to “classify” Josiah’s complexity in this domain.  The “answer” I wrote said “PDD-NOS, Learning Disability in Math, “mild cognitive impairment””, the last quoting some other documents.

This led to me having to explain to Josiah that he may be too “high functioning” to participate in Special Olympics at all.  In the event he is allowed to participate I was trying to prepare him to handle a scenario similar to one he experienced years ago where he was in a “social skills” group at CMH with “high functioning autistic young men” and he was angry and hurt that he was perceived to be like that group since he was the highest functioning one, seemingly.  He keeps hoping to have interactions with people who are “like him”, whatever that means.  If he’s in Special Olympics and more higher functioning than most then, I’m encouraging him to be a leader, friend, and helper to the others.  He will need to learn to communicate with each person, learn their names, and learn how to become part of the team, especially if many of the people have been working together for a long time.  We both took time to read and sign the appropriate paperwork…

Josiah tends to “perseverate”(get stuck or fixated–what’s wrong with that???) on certain topics, and one of late is his desire to play sports with regular guys.  This can mean re-treading ground like how he wished he’d been cleared by Liver Transplant to sustain body blows in time to have joined his high school football team.  He has been “friends” with many of the footballers but was unable to participate for medical reasons.  He also Really Wants to play basketball with guys, like his brother.  His oldest brother has been lately going once or twice a week to play B-Ball with various guys.  One location includes guys like my brother, in his mid 40s, so might be a slightly better “fit”.  I’ve been trying to convince Nathaniel to at least take Josiah once and Potentially give him some court time.  N is pretty adamant that J couldn’t handle the intensity and that he could really get hurt….Josiah is really caught in that “high functioning” place, too high functioning for easy/reasonable access to supports geared toward more severely disabled people and too low functioning to reasonably fit in with regular “able bodied” guys…

Believe it or not, this post actually started, at least in my mind, as more of a bullet pointed short-hand listing of certain (tedious and mentally/emotionally exhausting) details of just what went into having a “routine physical” with my son–accompanied by yours truly.  Obviously that “goal” has transmogrified into the monster displayed before you.  Since one of my primary reasons for starting the Special Connections blog was as an outlet to process many of the issues with which I wrestle, it appears that this posting is actually living up to that personal expectation, to some degree.  Given the level of “perfectionism” which my personality, past, and/or current life requirements demand of my existence that is a nearly impossible task!

This posting has been written over the course of several hours with numerous familial interruptions breaking my train of thought.  Since it’s now exceedingly late it looks like I’m going to post it in an “as is” status.  Hopefully you will all bear with my feet of clay as you read through the barrage of info here…if you even choose to do so.

I hope and pray that somehow our journey can be an inspiration and encouragement for you to continue to press on in arenas where you find yourself facing difficult, painful, traumatic, inevitable, hopeless, hopeful, tenacious, resilient, overwhelming, belittling, labeling, understanding, and supportive forces.  May the positive “forces” outweigh those that would seek to destroy us.  For our family the ultimate source of strength is in our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  It is His Indwelling in each of us that provides us with the fortitude, tenacity, resiliency, and fidelity to Truth that somehow enables us to “rise and rise again”–I guess you could say that we are acting via Resurrection Power, Life from Lifelessness.  If you are encouraged or challenged by reading our words, we would love to hear from you, and to pray for your needs, if you would care to share them with us.

I’ll leave you with a listing of questions that still remain outstanding from our last visit with the Primary Care Physician from today’s clinic.  When she saw me pull out my steno notepad (“Blue Brainiology, the Jottings” a notepad I started keeping starting 11-30-09 when we had the first specialty visit following the discovery of the Brain Tumor and Liver Masses and that initial appointment included a Pediatric Neurological Oncologist, among other disciplines), one I have taken to virtually All Specialty Clinics but never her visits, with a listing of questions written out she became overwhelmed and said we’d have to discuss them over the phone.  Though she gave me her cell phone number I chose not to call her, having used up more than enough of her time during that day’s visit.  Subsequently some questions were answered by other clinic staff, nurses and/or social workers.  Below are questions that remain outstanding.  I Might include a couple questions for which I got an answer if I think that info could potentially benefit anyone who still might be reading this missive.

Thanks again for joining our journey.  God Bless–Valerie

Outstanding steno notebook questions I hope to send to the clinic staff and get addressed via email or other communication:

#12 For someone of the autistic spectrum, especially if they are “high functioning”, what is her general overall recommendation to education, medications, therapy, lifestyle, etc.  Like does she typically recommend an aide/para pro in the classroom, Least Restrictive Environment, a Center-Based program; LOVAAS or ABA (Applied Behavioral Analysis) Therapy?  [this was to inform the development of our case request and to provide a professional frame of reference of perhaps what “should have been done” for Josiah in analyzing the “appropriateness” of his education, at least as pertained to Autism]

#13 Should the issue of adequately addressing Learning Disabilities be limited based on the child’s “perceived” intellect?  [we have had many battles with special ed over what Josiah’s “true IQ” actually is…in an earlier iteration of IDEA schools were allowed to use a “severe discrepancy” model between “IQ” and individual subtest “performance” to determine whether or not an LD was actually present.  Given a more than 30 point IQ difference between what the school psychologist found–testing J in a manner that was entirely discriminatory based on the nature, severity, and complexity of his many even then known disabling conditions–versus what the University based Neuropsychologist found, using the the higher, and I believe more accurate, IQ would have allowed most arenas to be considered LDs; using the school’s number would have at a minimum allowed the Math arena to be considered an LD, but back then they claimed “low intellect” and therefore no Learning Disabilities so no interventions]  the Math deficit is a huge factor that drove the “due process hearing request”–for if Josiah indeed has a (near) normal intellectual capacity, as early U of M (and some subsequent) testing portrayed, then giving him a “diploma” without appropriately educating him in math is a huge FAPE violation…

#14 What Transition Assessments do you think provide the most meaningful info for planning post-secondary education, training, employment, independent living,  and community participation?  [all of those arenas are Legally MANDATED to be addressed in Transition Planning and Services under IDEA and the inadequacy of even assessing, let alone addressing, these areas was a significant portion of the then in development “due process hearing request” and, at that time separately envisioned “state complaint”]

#15 Do you know of a way for Josiah to connect with kids “like him” (high functioning, Godly, transition age, multiple challenges, etc.) and would that be in person or online?

#16 What resources do you know of and could recommend for Josiah (and I) to review–books, support groups, blogs, e-magazines, etc, to assist us in our current challenges and going forward?

#17 What’s your impression of STEP and do you think it might be a good fit for Josiah?  [STEP is a local program called Services to Enhance Potential; it is apparently for lower functioning individuals and provides a form of “skills training”–we had already interfaced with MRS, Michigan Rehab Services–basically the only form of “transition” his high school offers, as in passing the buck of their IDEA mandated responsibilities to Vocational Rehabilitation; we were told by MRS that they are basically for people a couple of months away from being employable and Josiah needed significant “skill building”, also the magnitude of his disabilities meant that regardless of when we returned to MRS for services he would likely be among the population whose needs were legally mandated to be addressed, irrespective of funding issues or his place in line–I believe this provides quite strong evidence that the HS did NOT do its IDEA mandated job in relation to transition, etc]

#18 What about Higher Education?  Locally or further afield where might be a good place to plug Josiah in to help him in heading toward ministry?

#20 Could she please put us in touch with anyone who has Successfully navigated a State Complaint and/or Due Process Hearing?

By the way, at that earlier visit with Josiah’s Primary Care Physician she reviewed an earlier iteration of what ultimately became our Due Process Hearing Request and agreed that  each issue we were raising was valid and important and didn’t suggest we change anything!  That was an important encouragement to receive during a time of pretty intense stress.

So if you have read this far, please hang in there no matter what you are facing…and hopefully, prayerfully, find a way to Hang on to Jesus!  Be Blessed, Valerie